


when i die, i'll be on time

by absoluteTomfoolery



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, M/M, also this is my first work so Please Be Gentle Thank You, an analysis, i havent watched it yet lol, it's mostly just yuuri's anxiety coming on, its rly short, just. there's not plot here but, like. a description of his anxiety and stuff, post ep 11, pre ep 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 23:17:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8943433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absoluteTomfoolery/pseuds/absoluteTomfoolery
Summary: It has been this, for as long as he could remember: a mouth open only to close, a hand outstretched only to retreat and eyes glued to the ground, hiding from hope that can be so easily taken away.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! my name's victoria and this is my first one shot, ever, for the yuri!! on ice fandom. im realy obsessed with this show and i think my OverAnalyzationSkills show through, but i've never really written a lot of fan fiction before, so please bear with me if yuuri is out of character! I'll get better, i promise!!

It has been this, for as long as he could remember: a mouth open only to close, a hand outstretched only to retreat and eyes glued to the ground, hiding from hope that can be so easily taken away.

Yuuri Katsuki, in all of his years of living, has never been a very confident man. He made friends when he was very young, before he knew anything of bullying, embarrassment, anxiety or depression, before he could push them away, and not through any intentional means. He met them through ice skating, a sport he took up somehow and found out he was rather good at. It was through ice skating, a spark growing into flame in his little heart, that he found Viktor.

Viktor Nikiforov was beauty in all the ways that beauty should be, wants to be; love at first sight personified, unreachable but admired and wanted all the same. He was perfection, flawless, even when he fell on the ice, even when his scores dropped, Yuuri could not think to look away. An idol, however, could not even save him from something so tragic.

When he first met disappointment it did not faze him, but suddenly it continued on, and a naturally shy child turned into a recluse. Had it not been for ice skating that brought him few close friends, he may have ended alone, and soon, ice skating became his only hope and escape from all of these daily struggles. It was all he did in his spare time, practice and dance and train, when he was sad or bored, or lonely. He wanted nothing more, since he was younger, to reach beyond Hasetsu and meet his idol, Viktor, and share the stage with him on equal ground. But want turned into hope many times, and after each failure it was dashed, a condition his body learned all too well and developed it into anxiety.

He began to hate wanting, hate hope. He began to realize that every dream of his would be dashed, every smile thrown at him was of pity, and that no matter how much he tried or how far he reached, he would always be stuck I one spot, yelling and screaming for nobody to listen. 

It was no surprise that before each competition he entered he began to overthink, and he’d consider it a miracle even finishing his routines, much less winning medals and trophies. Losses resulted in lonely nights spent binge eating and sometimes throwing it up, depending on the defeat. His family tried to help, but he instead packed his bags and marched on to Detroit, where he studied and trained alongside his coach, Celestino, and his new friend and roommate, Phichit. 

During his years in college, his anxiety grew to become his closest friend aside from his roommate. Assignments, projects, presentations, the language, the people, the food. God, nothing reminded him more of home than botched Japanese food. Still, he had ice skating, and through Celestino he began to improve until he climbed and climbed his way to the Grand Prix Finals.

This was when he allowed himself to reach, if only just a little, because he finally met Viktor.

When he first saw him, he was afraid to look twice. He was stunning in the way that Yuuri was much too shy for, almost as if he wasn’t worthy of gazing at him with the love and admiration he always held. Seeing him in the flesh was intimidating just as it was exhilarating, and he silently thanked every minute spent practicing in Hasetsu that allowed him this beautiful moment.

Then, loss after loss after loss happened, and upon hearing the death of his beloved dog, Vicchan, so named after his idol, everything crumbled.

When he stepped onto the ice, he realized that he didn’t deserve to be there, and the pressure of the Grand Prix Final was too much to bear.

He did poorly in his short program, but he did even worse in his free skate, and his anxiety swallowed him up like an ocean. He knew he had been ridiculous to think that he could ever face Viktor as an equal, and the small ray of hope he felt before entering the rink was quickly snuffed out, and his world was dark again.  
The days following the competition were a blur, and he didn’t even remember attending the banquet. When Viktor offered him a commemorative photo, he knew he didn’t deserve it; nobody wants a picture with the man when came in dead last by a huge margin, he knew. 

He was tired, and when he came home, it showed.

He had gained weight when he arrived back in Hasetsu, and his ballet instructor, Minako-sensei, had immediately noticed, which didn’t help at all to put him at ease. He was tired, tired of being tired, and completely lost in what to do with the skating career that so many posters reminded him of.

Then, a performance, a video, and an appearance, and suddenly he was skating again, this time coached by the man of his dreams.

Through every training session, every workout, and every hour he spent watching Viktor glide on the ice so gracefully, he knew he didn’t deserve any of it. Viktor mentioned inspiration, but how could Yuuri, overweight, anxious, always coming in last, inspire anyone? He could not even inspire himself, so it was crazy to think that he could be of any use to Viktor, much less guarantee his stay there.

Still, it was deep within him, the urge to make him stay; it was as old as his passion for skating was, planted from the moment he first saw Viktor in his Junior days on an old television mounted on the walls of the old Ice Castle. After time and time of denying himself hope, he let this need to have Viktor, if only for a moment, drive him. 

He found that this need, quietly strengthened by time and opportunity, was enough to beat the Russian Yuri in the Hot Springs on Ice contest, and Viktor stayed.  
After that, Yuuri kept trying to reach Viktor in the smallest of ways. Emotionally, he began to open, and eventually something too beautiful for words blossomed between them, the first signs of spring in a winter heart. 

He was grateful for Viktor, but he always thought, no matter how much he loved the man, that he didn’t deserve him. He taunted the world that wanted their Viktor back by flashing him in their faces and making sure they knew he was his, even if he didn’t deserve him. He broke down before the Cup of China because the last thing he wanted was for the world to think Viktor’s efforts were for naught, then he kissed him on national television. He showed all of Russia the love he had for the man who just waltzed into his life, then had to go through one of the hardest separations of his life, only to be reunited days later.

He knew, through every struggle and every hardship, even when he slipped a ring on his finger and Viktor did the same, that he didn’t deserve the man in front of him. 

Some days, those thoughts were smothered by Viktor’s affection, always coming to the surface despite his efforts to hide it. He would kiss Yuuri breathless, hold him with a strength and security unprecedented, and just love him, filling his heart with something so beautiful and new. He taught Yuuri that the voices inside his head were wrong, all wrong, and he deserved every moment he spent with his childhood idol, his boyfriend, his fiancé.

When the Grand Prix Final came, after a year of training and struggles and love, always love, he allowed himself hope, again, and this time he didn’t want to let Viktor down. He gave an amazing performance that he knew was not the greatest it could be, but he didn’t let it get him down. He waited for his score, talked to the press, and did everything he could while he waited for Yuri’s performance.

Somehow, he separated from Viktor, but when he found him again, his world crashed.

He saw as Viktor watched every skater’s performance with an excitement unseen before. His eyes gleamed and glimmered with every spin, every jump, and Yuuri knew in his heart that he had lost everything. He had lost his gold medal, what he trained so hard for, and now he was going to lose Viktor.

And he could not blame the man for wanting to return to skating. In fact, somehow, he almost expected it. He knew he didn’t deserve him. He knew he wasn’t enough to keep him around, that the gold medal was the only thing he could use to anchor him down. The ring he gave his betrothed suddenly seemed so trivial now, like it wouldn’t have made a difference if he had gifted it to him or not.

Before the fight for Viktor’s heart even began, Yuuri bowed out. He couldn’t keep Viktor from what he loved, he knew. He couldn’t make him stay. Yuuri knew he was barely enough for anyone, much less the Viktor Nikiforov, his idol, his love, his almost.

And just like that, just like the Grand Prix from the year before, the world went dark.

It had always been almost for him. Almost won the Grand Prix, almost won Viktor’s heart. Almost had everything he could have ever wanted, but nothing ever goes right and he has to always abide by the way that life works. So Viktor was going to leave.

He accepted it before he even agreed, before they even spoke about it. The night before his free skate, a dance purely dedicated to his love story, he decided to set Viktor free.

“So, Yuuri, what did you want to talk to me about?”

He was quiet, and when he looked up, it was with a solemn smile.

“After the Finals, let’s end this.”

**Author's Note:**

> so sorry so sorry so sorry so sorry,,,,,, it's rly short and i rly hate myself for it it feels so rushed ughghghghh please be gentle im just a lil proud of it not that much ok please


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